Passenger Train to Osaka City Station: Poem Attempt

This was my first attempt at poetry. I really don’t like it and found it very difficult but the one I wrote below got a good mark. My tutor told me that it has the works of a beginner.

If you could have a read and tell me what you think?

This is the train racing for its nation

Heading for Osaka City Station

The passengers swaying from left to right

Long hair flowing with the sunlight

Faces as pale as they come

The old man was sipping on a bottle of rum

The train comes to stop

Everyone gathers to hop

Passengers shuffle and scuffle

They exit the train in a muddle

Two lines of people rush for the gates

Everyone looks like a line of snakes

Welcome to Japan

Welcome to the busy land

As this a nation for everyone

Who goes to Osaka City Station

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6 thoughts on “Passenger Train to Osaka City Station: Poem Attempt

  1. Hi Simon,
    This reminded me of a poem I remember from school, which I think was called ‘The Night Train’. Yours has a similar rhythm, like an old fashioned train. So I think you encompass lots of movement in your descriptions e.g ‘Passengers shuffle and scuffle’
    I dread this assignment!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Also I think if you changed “The old man was sipping on a bottle of rum” to
    “The old man was sipping a chuhai can” , It still rhymes and its more appropriate to Japan.
    Just an Idea

    Like

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